Okay...that's a bit vague I suppose because there is a deeper root to that question. I'm not just talking about the doling out forgiveness to someone just because they bumped into you. I'm not even referring to how you should go about forgiving someone for something as big as backing into your car because they weren't paying attention. I'm talking about the big, MAJOR stuff that can (and sometimes does) change the course of your life's story.
My husband often brings up how I'm the type of person that holds grudges for far too long. He's always telling me not to let things bother me or saying, "Oh well," to things that I am legitimately pissed off about. It's annoying. And it's not annoying because of the frequency of which he does and says these things. It's annoying because I know that he is right and I don't know how to change this flaw in my character. Sometimes I just want to be angry, squint my eyes and think awful thoughts of revenge and justice towards the one that has offended or hurt me. I admit it. There have been some ugly and vengeful thoughts in my mind throughout the years.
Honestly though, if I have put all of my trust into someone and that person shatters that trust and has no remorse about it...how am I not supposed to be angry? And hurt? I think it's the 'hurt' part that makes the anger feel so good, which is why I keep it around for so long. Hurt is a feeling of vulnerability. I don't like it. Any sign of weakness is not okay with me. I'm not one of those gals that enjoys sitting down and sobbing through a chick flick. When did crying become the fun thing to do? Come on ladies...get it together!
I suppose anger is my defense mechanism. If I'm hurt, throw up an anger wall. Problem solved.
Or is it?
Not at all, because now I have a bigger problem. Before you read on, rest assured that it is not my intention to come off as preachy or as some religious nut. But, I do believe in God, trust in Jesus and know that the Bible is a great foundation to build a happy life upon. That being said, I am aware of what the Bible says about forgiveness. Which I guess is another source of my annoyance because I know that my anger and grudges are wrong on a completely different level! The most poignant verse (in my opinion) on forgiveness:
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. - Matthew 6:14-15
See my dilemma? If I don't forgive those people on my "sh*t list", I can't expect my Father in Heaven to forgive me. It's just not going to happen. And if He does not forgive me of my sins...guess where I'm spending my eternity?
This brings me back to my original question. How do you forgive others?
How do you forgive the rapist, the murderer, the child molester, the bigots and racists? How do forgive people that you bent over backwards to help, even when you could barely help yourself, only for them to stab you in the back and walk away? How do you forgive someone who won't forgive you?
I can say that I forgive someone a hundred times, but I have to mean it. And I'm going to be honest. The "meaning it" part has only happened once, maybe twice in my life. If anything, I simply choose to not think about the circumstance(s) in hopes of forgetting about it all together. I hardly ever truly forgive. If I allow myself to think back on the things that hurt me, the anger and hatred comes rushing back. It's like it happens all over again.
It's like the song below says about forgiveness, "It's the hardest thing to give away".
I suppose there really isn't one good answer to my question. This is an issue that is only going to be solved with a sincere understanding within myself. No amount of preaching or advice is going to flip my forgivable switch. Those things might help me along the way, but I know that true change lies withing myself. In my heart and soul.
I'll get there.
Amanda...this is so spot on on how I feel too. And I agree, the hurt part is the hardest for me to deal with too. And the anger, is almost as much at myself for being so "dumb" as to let that person close enough to hurt me, and that makes it even harder to forgive. This is a question I have thought about often, especially since Brad. I know what he used to say about it. But, you are right in the fact if you don't really mean it. The only thing I can tell you is to pray for the ability to forgive. I myself have never thought to do that, but I have prayed for patience (which I might add has not come lol). I guess it is the saying, "Let go and let God"....which is so very hard when you have been hurt or wronged to the core. And though I haven't forgiven certain people, I do try to think that about them. Maybe that is a step in the right direction? Love you guys!
ReplyDeletethere are people in my life who I will truly never forgive. They screwed up and I will not allow them to mess with my life again by allowing them back in. A few people on my "you aren't getting back in list" are truly horrible people, but they come off to others as so nice and innocent.
ReplyDeleteI have learned to let some things go, petty things or "why were we fighting again things". Also, things have happened in my life or that person's life that has brought us back together (yeah I'm talking about you) :)
I'm a grudge holder. I am still "mad" about things that happened to me or were done to me 30 years ago, 20 years ago, etc. I guess I look at it as if its scarred on my memory it will never go away and some things I cannot just get over or move on from or look past.
I'm trying really hard to not be so mad all the time, especially over petty things, but what can I say, it comes naturally.
I understand completely. Someone once said that forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to let them back in and give the opportunity to hurt you all over again. You simply forgive them, but cut ties with them. It's so hard though to forgive the truly hurtful people with ugly traits.
DeleteAnd I'm glad we put stuff behind us and reconnected. :) And I'm also happy to learn that I am not the only person who holds grudges for years!!! I still hold ill will for a grade school bully. LoL!
You WILL get there. And you're exactly right-it's something that has to change within your heart. And just to be clear. It's okay to have those feelings of hurt and anger. But I think you are realizing that the deeper issue, that root, lies in unforgiveness. And that verse about forgiveness, while harsh, isn't meant to leave us fearful of whether or not God will forgive our sins. I believe it serves to remind us who our example of forgiveness should be. I used to use anger and bitterness towards my husband to justify my own behavior. I didn't know how to forgive, REALLY forgive him for all the times he had hurt me. But as I learned through my own story, my husband could look at the hurt I caused him, be hurt and angry, then move on. At first I thought he was just burying it, as some people do. Shoving it down and letting it fester. But his attitude towards me was sincere, which showed me that he really had forgiven me. And when I finally learned to forgive MYSELF for the things I knew I had done wrong, understanding that Jesus took my sin on his shoulders, and forgave ME? That is when the change began within my heart. Every time I hear songs like "Forgiveness" (and pretty much any other song-you know me and music), I am reminded of just how much God forgave me. I MAKE myself think about how much God forgave me. If God forgave me that much, then can't I forgive myself and those who have hurt me the most? We surely hurt Christ more than anyone on this earth has ever hurt us, haven't we? Understanding the magnitude of my sin and that Christ came to deliver me from it, through grace and forgiveness (and not guilt and shame!), allowed me to understand forgiveness on a completely new level. I think the key is having that understanding of all that Christ has forgiven you from and in those moments where you harbor the pain and want to stay angry, try to think about it from God's perspective, and how many times he forgave. I love the song 7X70 by Chris August, as it really deals with this thought of how we forgive when we have been hurt over and over again. Check it out: http://youtu.be/n5-Q1zAhqpA
ReplyDeleteI also think Tenth Avenue North really captures what forgiveness actually LOOKS like in your life, through their song Losing. I love you. Praying you can work this out in your heart. I believe you are on the cusp of truly understanding it and working through it in your own heart. It may take time, and you may not always get it right each time, but you will get it right, you will find healing and understand what it means to truly forgive.
Delete