The past few days have been rough. An issue has arisen in our marriage and I'm just not handling it well at all. Now, I will admit before I spill the beans that it could be way worse. I know that. I should feel blessed that this is my 'issue'. Even I find myself shaking my head. But...it's creating bad ju-ju and it has to be addressed. Right??? Here goes.
I found out that my husband has started smoking again. After almost a year of being smoke-free, this information was like a dart to my happy balloon. I admit, I had a nagging feeling that he might be hiding it before he actually admitted to it, but I chose to put on my blinders and ignore my gut. Every now and then, I'd smell cigarettes. I'd see something that looked like an ash. His kisses were brief. That one. That was the one that ate at me. I even went as far as telling myself that it was because I was losing my looks and the desire just wasn't there. Yeah...my mind is a crazy place.
So why is this eating at me so badly? I wish I could explain that one. This is the part of sharing my feelings that I despise. If I don't have a clear explanation as to why I'm feeling a certain way, I get very frustrated with myself. If I don't understand why I'm feeling like I am, how can I possibly put it into words? I guess my initial reaction to finding out this news happened because I felt betrayed.
One reason why we decided to quit smoking nearly a year ago was because we thought it was greatly frowned upon by my husband's (then new) job. He didn't want to jeopardize that and I couldn't expect him to quit successfully if I was still smoking. Plus, there were the benefits quitting would provide to our health. We had both smoked for at least over 16 years and it was taking it's toll. I still have troubles breathing. I suspect it's emphysema and there's just no turning back time on that. My grandma had emphysema in the worst way and it made her life rough. She told me never to smoke. I should have listened then. Then there is the fact that my husband has diabetes. Smoking and diabetes just don't mix well. Which makes me think of the commercial that I keep seeing on T.V. I even saw it the day I found out that he had picked up the habit again and stopped what I was doing to watch it. Here it is:
This one really, really makes me think. It makes me think about how much I don't want to see my husband have to endure that kind of life. That video chokes me up. I know as humans we all want to say, "That won't happen to me. What are the odds that that will happen to me?" Well, it's possible that that guy said the very same thing. It's scary to think about, so it's easier to pretend like it's a rarity. I get that.
It is pretty hard to hide the fact that you smoke. There's always that smell. No matter how much perfume/cologne/air freshener you spray, you are not going to completely get rid of that smell. And if you are a former smoker who still has cravings and thoughts for a good ol' smoke, you are even more sensitive and attuned to that scent. Even the sound of a lighter being lit makes my cravings kick in. Here is an example of how sensitive I am to the scent of cigarettes.
Last night, I was having a dream that I was happily puffing away on a cigarette. I could taste it, feel the smoke filling my lungs and, most of all, I could smell it. It was so overwhelming that I woke up. And then I realized exactly why I was dreaming that. It's because I could smell it. My husband had just come back into our bedroom after stepping out for a smoke. Damn. I can't even explain the flood of emotions that hit me in that moment. First and foremost, I wanted a cigarette! Badly. Then I was a little mad. Followed by resentment, sadness, anxiety, more cravings and confusion. It took over 4 hours for that smell to leave the air. I know because it was at least 5 hours before I was able to fall asleep again.
I have to be honest. I have seriously contemplated smoking again just to keep the fact that he is from being an issue. I don't want to smoke again. Well, the irrational side of me that lacks willpower and strength wants to, but the side that looks at the big picture and has reason does not want to. But I also don't want there to be an issue. I don't want a cancer-stick to be something that causes negativity in our marriage. If I smoke again, I won't resent him for doing it. I won't have to battle my inner demons that crave cigarettes so badly.
However, if I do pick the habit up again, I'll resent myself. It was so incredibly hard for me to quit! We had gotten Chantix, the pill that helps you kick the habit. One of the side effects of this pill is "unusual dreams and/or nightmares". Let me just say right now that that is a complete understatement. I have never had such terrible nightmares in my life! And they were so vivid. I would wake up in a panic, heart racing and in a cold sweat. Awful, awful dreams. And many of them included my mom which made them even more heart-wrenching. Don't get me wrong, I welcome dreams of my mom. But these were terrible. It was like I had to re-live all of the bad things that her cancer brought to our lives over and over again. After going through that, picking up the habit again would be one of the dumbest choices I could ever make for myself.
When it comes to willpower...I have very little. That is one reason why I am so glad that I don't like sweets very much. I'd be a whale of a woman if I did. I cave to temptation quite easily. A good friend shared these words with me:
Those words made me realize something. This isn't just an issue in our marriage or an issue about my struggle with temptation. A bigger, yet more hidden issue was lying just beneath the surface and the others were just piling up on top of it. The words of my friend made me realize what the biggest issue was. I had wandered away from my faith. Satan realized that, saw the opening and went in for the kill. And it was working. And he didn't just see the weakness in me. He found the loose brick in my husband's wall of defense and snatched it away, replacing it with temptation and an old addiction.
How could I have been so blind? The only time I considered God through all of this was when I thought to blame Him. I couldn't understand why He was letting this happen to us. Stupid, stupid human...always looking for someone else to blame. I am so blessed that my friend had the words to make me realize just how far off the path of faith I had traveled. If I want the other issues to go away, I have to break down the big issue that they are resting on. Because without faith, more and more problems are going to pile up.
Song recommended by my husband. "Open Skies" by David Crowder Band
Song recommended by my friend. "Already There" by Casting Crowns
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