At A Loss For Words

If only the eyes reading this knew how many times I started typing only to delete it all and start over. It's very frustrating when you want to express yourself through words, but then you hate the words that come out. I suppose that's an indication of the feelings that have been going on inside of me. There are so many, but I can't seem to figure them out well enough to express them. It's like someone mixed several jigsaw puzzles together into one box and I'm trying to sort through them and put each one back together.


My last blog post was nearly a month ago and I was feeling pretty good about it once it was completed. I was feeling pretty good about myself and about life in general. But then, as fate seems to work with me, I was quickly knocked off my happy little perch. Face down into the dirt of life and feeling like an unworthy mess all over again. Ever since then, I struggle to keep myself from worrying about everything. I feel like I am constantly harboring a sense of panic that is going to erupt at any second.


If I happen to wake up in the middle of the night, I don't even try to go back to sleep. I can't. The horrible thoughts that bounce around my head are enough to make me crazy...literally crazy. Instead, I have to find a way to distract myself.
Here's where I have to be honest with you and myself. This is the part that is hard for me. Not because I don't know how to express myself, but because I am ashamed. I'm ashamed that I let myself get to this point. 


I have found myself doubting God. Doubting His love for me and doubting that He is truly always here with me. Too many times I have prayed for help, for strength, for relief from the worry, for something to reassure that I am loved by Him and that everything will be okay. When I think my prayers have been answered, something in life creates conflict. Whether it's a person, timing or a situation...something happens and I feel like my prayers just disappear into darkness.

**(Now, as I type this, a song just came on my Pandora mix station and it has reduced me to tears. I'll get back to that in a moment.)

The loss of my mom has been weighing quite heavily on me for a while as well. I'm not sure why since it's been over a year since we lost her. There were a series of nights where I kept having dreams about her, but I wouldn't wake with a sense of happiness the next morning. I'd wake up angry. Angry at God for taking her from us. Angry because it felt like I was being punished. Angry because the dreams seemed so real, but then I'd wake up and realize that she was still gone. I would wake up from a dream into a nightmare.


The video below is "Falling Away From Me" by Korn. I haven't listened to this song in a very long time, but it kinda fit how I was feeling. No...not the suicidal part (no one panic), but just the overall tone of the song.

Songs are powerful and I believe we are meant to hear certain songs at certain times. I also know that a song can speak to each of us differently. Earlier, I mentioned a song that had just come on my Pandora playlist. It spoke to me shouted at me. Listen to that song below: "Word of God Speak" by Mercyme.

I know in my heart that God hasn't forgotten about me. I know that He hears my prayers. I need to stop letting the negative things in life create doubt in me because, in the end, it will just be me standing before God. If someone gets mad at me, that isn't God's doing. If I start feeling like I'm not good enough, that is because I'm not listening to God and I'm handing Satan another small victory.

I realize that God is always there, working in all of our lives. It took a close friend, during one of the hardest times of his life, to make me open my eyes and soften my heart to God again. He saw God in a dark time and saw the blessing that he and his family had been given. Then the song above came on just when I needed to hear it the most. I need to try to stop worrying. I will continue to pray for strength because I need it. Any additional prayers are more than welcome! I don't want to fall away from God again.