Without Her

I created this blog a long time ago. It's been over a year since I created it actually. However, I never took the time to actually "blog". There have been a lot of things on my mind lately and sometimes I just can't shake them. Several of my friends say that blogging about such things helps, so I guess I'll give it a try. Since my mind is full of random things, why not start blogging now?

Obviously, this is the holiday season and a lot of people are filled with mixed emotions at this time. There is joy, anxiety, stress, love, compassion and too many more to list. I find myself experiencing mostly dread this year. I've tried slapping a smile on my face and going on with the usual family traditions, but it has not been easy. But, when you have kids, that's what a good mother is supposed to do. Right? It seems like the right thing to do. You know the saying, "Fake it till you make it".

Here's the issue...this will be our first Christmas without my mom. My wonderful mom, the staple in our family that held everything together. The spark that started most of our traditions. The woman who portrayed the giving spirit better than anyone I have ever known. Gone. Stolen away from us, leaving us to flounder around and try to find a way to cope and go on without her.

Without her. Those two words are painful. Just saying them in my head sounds so cruel. I feel like each time we do anything without her we are being disrespectful. We told mom everything, shared our ups and downs with her. Mom listened...always. This entire year has been filled with firsts without her. Thinking back on each of those moments without her is hard because there is a huge hole in the memories where she should be. I knew it was going to be hard, but there are times when I wonder if it will ever be less painful. Honestly, I doubt it. I was only given one mom and I feel like my time with her was way too short.

Our family managed to make it through Thanksgiving though. Joey and I cooked/baked all the main dishes just as Mom did for years. Of course, no one makes anything just like Mom, but we did our best. Even my dad, who told me that he didn't think he'd feel up to eating a Thanksgiving dinner without Mom, said that it was one of the best meals he's had in a long time. I kept thinking about Thanksgiving of 2010. It was Mom's last Thanksgiving with us and her health had really started to go downhill. The chemo treatments ruined her appetite and she rarely ate. But on that day, she sat at the table with all of us and did her best to eat the dinner Joey and I had made. I know she did it for us, not because she was hungry. I think we all knew then that we weren't going to have her with us for the next Thanksgiving. Denial is a funny thing. We held on hope though and made the best of it.

My only regret is not taking more pictures during those days. On the other hand, I'm kind of glad that I didn't. The few that I do have from Christmas last year are too painful to look at. That's not my mom in those pictures. The woman in those photographs is frail and distant. I can't look at them without crying my eyes out.

I guess I'll close this first post by saying that this year had been the most difficult year of my life. If blogging provides me with an outlet to rid my mind of thoughts that keep me awake, then I'll keep blogging. I won't apologize if a lot of my posts are about how much I miss my mom though. I refuse to live in a world without her, even if she's only alive in my thoughts and memories.