Eyes of a Wallflower

Anyone who really knows me knows that I do not like to be the center of attention. I prefer to blend into the background and keep attention off of myself. My middle name might as well be Wallflower. If I have to stand in front of a group of people, large or small, my anxiety is through the roof! And to speak in front of a group is enough to send me over the edge. I'd rather be lying dead in a casket. I prefer to blend in and observe everyone around me. And as much as I should probably keep this next part to myself, I'm going to get it out in the open. While observing those around me, most of the time I am critiquing, comparing and judging them. I know...I'm awful.

I think I do this in a vain attempt to feel better about myself. I have always been a self-conscious person. As far back as grade school, I remember dwelling on my insecurities. As I get older, I realize that most of my "flaws" weren't ever really flaws at all. Those were traits that made me who I am. That being said...as I get older, I am discovering how quickly legitimate flaws are piling up. Wrinkles, gray hairs, extra pounds and so on. I wasted all of my good years in senseless worry.

Back to the point.

During church this past Sunday, I started writing this blog in my head. I know...that's as awful as me being critical and judgemental. Allow me to explain. My mind kept wandering during the worship music. I don't know if it's because I just wasn't feeling the songs or if it was because people were still shuffling into the room, but I could not focus. And every time someone walked through the doors, my eyes found them and followed them to their seat. Thank goodness people can't feel my stares on them! Then I'd find myself start critiquing the person that I was focused on. Their hair, clothes, the way they were singing...a complete analysis in mere seconds! Then I'd realize what I was doing and would mentally chastise myself. I pictured God looking down on me, shaking His head because He knew what I was doing. In His house no less!!! I knew I had to blog just to get this infraction of mine out there.

Finally it was time to hear the sermon. I thought I'd be good from here on out because I almost always enjoy the teachings. My mind, however, was not willing to listen. Back to wandering.

I partially blame my lack of focus on one of the persons sitting in the row ahead of us. I'm rolling my eyes right now because of how extremely annoyed I was at this person. I admit, as I get older there are more and more little things that just send me over the edge of rational thought. Certain sounds, for instance, make me see red. Snoring, teeth on silverware, crunching/chewing of food are a few examples. Anyway, back to the perpetrator. 

This person obviously missed breakfast that morning because she was feasting upon dry cereal throughout the service. The entire service. **Annoying**. And it wasn't just the fact that I kept seeing her shovel handfuls of dry cereal into her face that drew my attention away from the sermon. It was the constant rustling of the baggie that I was hearing each time her hand clawed for more bits of dried breakfast. **Annoying** Then, on top of that, she kicked off one flip flop, crossed her leg over the other and tapped that foot in the air for far too long. Why did that bother me? Because the bottom of her foot was filthy!!! **Annoying and disgusting**.

The more I let my attention rest on this woman's infractions, the more I could feel my blood start to simmer. So I furrowed my brow and focused more intently on our Pastor's words. Apparently I have some demons that just weren't willing to let me hear what the Pastor was saying because I began to scan the congregation again. A lady was sitting a few rows ahead of us and, me being a female, I started the comparison game. (Please tell me that I'm not the only one who does this). "Is her hair shinier than mine? She has a nice complexion. I wonder where she got that shirt? Why is she wearing jeans? I wonder if my muffin-top looks like that to the person sitting behind me?"

That's when the mini panic set in. "Do I have a muffin-top and can the person behind me see it? If they can see it, are they thinking thoughts like I am thinking about the other lady? If they aren't looking at my muffin-top, can they see my psoriasis? Are they judging me because of my tattoos?" Seriously, am I the only one who thinks like this?!?!

I find myself worrying far too much about what people behind me are thinking. I guess that's because I know how my mind works and if I think that way some times, they must as well. Now, please know that I do not always think like this. I am not a mean, hateful person and I try to accept everyone for who they are. It's crazy how the mind works some times.

It doesn't really seem that there is a point to this blog. I don't suppose there needs to be a point. However, if any of you reading this see me standing behind you in line somewhere, I bet you let me cut in front you. *wink*