Now I sit here with no purpose. The saying, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life," is one that bothers me. Sometimes there just isn't a job out there that allows you to do what you love. The first several years that I worked at the daycare, I loved it! I loved the kids, I loved teaching them and guiding them and I loved the overall atmosphere. Like most things though, things changed and the joy of going to work everyday dwindled. I dreaded waking up each morning and walking through those doors. Eventually it was just my means of a paycheck. Nothing more. I had lost the passion and gained a lot of frustration. It wasn't worth it anymore. So, for the sake my my sanity and my family...I gave my notice and quit.
I was not going to settle just for the paycheck. Money may make life easier, but it is not everything. And it definitely isn't worth feeling defeated all of the time. I gave that job 14 years of my life. I spent my youth into adulthood at that job. What did I get when I walked away? Some goodbyes and a few friendships that I will always cherish.
Part of me is happy to have the break from the daily grind, but part of me misses it. Being a greedy human, I really miss being able to contribute to the family financially. I miss making money. When we have those moments of struggle between paychecks, I am overcome with guilt. If I had just stuck it out and dealt with the daily b.s., we would be okay. Or would we? Sometimes the frustration of work followed me home and caused tension in the sanctuary of our home. No job is worth causing a rift in our family's daily life.
I check the classifieds on a regular basis, hoping to find that my dream job waiting on me. One thing that I have noticed is that most places require you to have a degree or experience. If you don't have either of those, don't bother applying. That is a real kick in the gut for someone like me. I started working at the daycare when I was a Senior in high school and I worked there until I was 31 years old. I have no experience in anything else and I couldn't afford extra schooling. I still can't. But I'm dedicated, hard-working, willing to learn and one of the most reliable employees anyone could ask for. There's a story my old boss used to love to tell about how I tried to come to work when I was in labor with my second child. It's a true story.
So what is my dream job? I really wish I knew. What am I good at? Again...I'm unsure. At least, I am not sure when it comes to job skills. The things that I know I am good at are not going to land me a job. My passion is photography. I love to take pictures! Wherever we go, I am more at home if my camera is with me. But my passion doesn't mean that I am a pro. I take pictures of things that I find beautiful. It started as a hobby when I was a little girl. Nature is my favorite subject. There is no limit to the beauty in nature. You just have to find it. I'm not really a "people person", so I don't have a lot of experience in taking portraits of people. I think part of that is because people tend to be fickle and hard to please. You have to give them instruction and that takes away from the natural part that makes life so beautiful. And I tend to be uncomfortable around people that I don't know. I'm more of a follower and giving others direction is hard for me. I sometimes wonder if I have social anxiety disorder because I hate to be out of my comfort zone.
Here is where my self-worth comes into question. The Why. Why did God plant me here? I hate not knowing my purpose. If everyone is born for a reason, shouldn't that reason be a little more obvious? I mean seriously...I am 33 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That bothers me.
If I am supposed to make a mark in this world, I am running out of time. Yet, no matter how many times I have prayed to God about finding my purpose, I still have no answers. I know that we are supposed to have faith that things will work out in His time, but I must admit that I am growing impatient. I have been out of work for two years. When will I find the Why of my life? Even if He didn't intend for me to ever work again a day in my life, shouldn't I be finding fulfillment in something?
I have so many questions and no answers. I honestly don't mind being a stay-at-home mom, but I feel like I'm missing something. Not in the sense that I'm lacking something, but in the sense that the universe is pulling me to something. I just don't know what that 'something' is. Very, very frustrating. Thankfully, I have the support of my husband who told me, "Do what makes you happy."
Maybe one day, I'll find that something that makes me happy and allows me to help support our family. I want to feel like I am contributing to the well-being of our family. Maybe I'm just in a funk. Maybe I am worrying too much about how others might be viewing me. Sometimes I feel like others are looking at me like I am lazy and that I am choosing not to work. That's not it at all. I just refuse to enter another job that is going make me hate my life. At my age, I should be happy in a career...not miserable at a job.