Frustration & Disappointment

I have to take the time to vent and get some stuff off of my chest. This will probably come back to bite me in the butt, however it needs to be said. I can't keep this stuff inside me any longer. If someone reading this happens to get offended, all I ask you to do is ask yourself why you are offended.

My disappoint and frustration lies with my Relay For Life team. Not everyone, but the majority of them. Some of the frustration lies with people who aren't even part of the team! The reason for that is because there are people in my life who told me that they would be there for me when it comes to Relay and that they would help me out in any way they could. So where are they? Why haven't they registered for the team like they led me to believe they would?

I got involved in Relay For Life many years ago. After I lost my grandma to cervical cancer, I knew that I wanted to do all that I could to fight this disease. In 2008, Joey and I decided to start our own Relay For Life team and we called it the CUREsaders. Our hope was that family and friends would get together and have fun fighting a disease that has touched each of our lives.

The pictures here are from our first year doing Relay.

We had a lot of fun our first year at Relay. That was until the epic storm hit that resulted in the worst flood Morgan County had ever experienced. The city was devastated. Most of our personal possessions were lost in that flood. It was truly heart-breaking. Looking back, I should have taken that as some sort of omen of things to come. You'll understand as you read on.

The CUREsaders grew a bit in 2009. We had more fundraisers and a were fairly pleased with our success. Joey and I even helped out on the RFL Committee. We were very busy that year with all things Relay. I felt so blessed to have people around me who were as passionate about the cause as I was. At the end of the event, I was determined to make each year better than the one before.

Some of our 2009 CUREsader team.

Our team changed a bit in 2010. We had returning members and some new members. Relay For Life of 2010 will always be bittersweet for me. On April 2nd of 2010, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. She had been going through chemotherapy and dealing with the ups and downs of that. Right before the Relay event, we learned that my mom's tumor was gone. We were so ecstatic! She would be walking with her best friend as a Survivor during Relay. Her 'In Honor Of' Luminaria was proudly displayed in front of our site.

Luminarias for my Grandma and Mom.

My Mom (right) and her best friend (left) walking the Survivor lap.

My most treasured photo of my Mom and I. I was so happy in that moment.

Relay For Life of 2011 was so very difficult for me. I had an internal battle for a long time about whether or not I even wanted to participate. We lost Mom in January of 2011. Her tumor came back and the cancer took over. Yet again, cancer had taken another piece of my heart away from me. I decided to continue on as team captain of the CUREsaders that year for a couple of reasons: #1. I didn't want cancer to keep me from continuing the fight. #2. I had a lot of friends tell me that they would be there for me to help me through.

My friend Wendy and I on the cover of the local newspaper. She also does all that she can for Relay after losing her brother to cancer. He was also one of Joey's best friends. 2011 was a hard year for all of us.

Sadly, many of those friends let me down. In the deepest moments of grief, I believe a lot of them told me what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, I learned that they were just words and actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words. I felt defeated and betrayed. It was our worst Relay year to date. Fundraising was pitiful and the passion was hardly there. Don't get me wrong...I am beyond grateful for those who were there for my family. If you were there last year, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your presence alone meant more to me than I will ever be able to express.

I honestly felt like I had let my mom down after last year's Relay event. The fact that she wasn't there was overwhelming enough. I couldn't even stay and watch the Survivor's lap. I tried, but it was just too painful. Instead, I walked away from the event and cried my eyes out. Thank God for my husband and son who came and sat by my side. We made it through together.

The most difficult Luminaria I've ever had to make.

So far, Relay For Life of 2012 isn't going well for team CUREsaders. Fundraisers are failing and I'm not getting much help from my team. There are 15 people who have registered online, but I only hear from one of them when it comes to Relay stuff. There are people who told me that they would be a part of our team, but they haven't registered. Here's where I need to vent. I can not do this alone. I can not do this with just a couple of other people. I understand that everyone only has so much time to dedicate to this sort of thing, but that's why we form a team. To help one another. I'm out of ideas for fundraisers and when I do present an idea...I get little to no feedback. I'm ready to throw in the towel. I don't want to, but I hate feeling like a failure.

I'm learning that my passion for this runs a lot deeper than it does for others. That's fine. I don't blame people for that. But when I start to think that I can't devote the time to do my part in the fight against cancer, I remind myself of all of the cancer patients out there who have no choice but to spend each minute of their lives fighting it.

There are only 44 days until Martinsville's Relay For Life event. I'm still undecided as to whether or not I will be there. The way I see it, I'd probably be sitting at our designated sight alone as teams all around me have fun while raising funds for the American Cancer Society. Maybe I'm being overly pessimistic, but I really haven't seen anything to prove to me that I'm wrong. So...I will spend the next 40+ days having an inner battle with myself. To go or not to go?

On the off chance that someone is actually reading this, a link to our ACS team page is below. On that page you can view our team, make donations, register as part of the team and read about why we Relay.

CUREsaders Relay For Life Team Page

Week Twelve

Here is another week where I spent as much time as possible outdoors. It is getting really difficult to pick just one picture to use for each day. As a matter of fact, one day I could not stick to just one. You'll see.

Day 78: This ugly bug had a very pretty emerald hue to it. You gotta try to find the beauty in everything.

Day 79: I'm still trying to get a great picture of these pretty blue birds. Unfortunately, you can't see the deep blue in this picture.

Day 80: Daffodils that have bloomed. My mom planted these many, many years ago.

Day 81: If you look near the bottom left corner, you'll see a nasty spider crept into the picture frame. If I had noticed him when I took this, I would have been running in the opposite direction. I hope the pretty flower overshadows his creepiness.

Day 82: This was our 15th wedding anniversary. Since Joey had to work this day, I spent it with God and nature.

Day 83: I could not decide which picture I wanted to use for this day, so I picked a few and made a collage.

Day 84: This beautiful butterfly kept fluttering along with me down the driveway.

This is just a fraction of the pictures I snapped throughout the twelfth week. I hope you enjoy looking at them as much as I enjoy taking them!

Week Eleven

This was a fantastic week to venture outdoors and enjoy nature! Such warm weather for this time of year! Wildflowers blooming, critters scampering, birds singing and dew on the leaves. I was totally in my element this week. Here are glimpses of some of the things I marveled at during week eleven.

Day 71: Squirrels are such adorable critters! I do love to watch them bounce around the yard and jump from tree to tree. 

Day 72: I had never seen this bird around our place before. He is so beautiful! It's not easy to get a good picture of these birds though. As soon as I'd get within 10 feet of them, they would fly away.

Day 73: Wildflowers popping up and speckling the ground with color.

Day 74: I know, this looks kind of nasty. These are frog eggs and those black specks are tadpoles.

Day 75: Here is another bird that I love to watch, but it is also very hard to get a good picture of them.

Day 76: Morning dew on the leaves of a thorn bush along our creek. I think it's neat how the drops look like mini crystal balls sitting precariously along the edge of the leaves.

Day 77: Such pretty little flowers that are all over the woods. After all these years, I still can't help but pick them and scrutinize every little detail of them.

Get used to seeing a lot of outdoor pictures for awhile. When it comes to my camera and I, we are happiest photographing nature. Nothing against people, but no direction is needed when it comes to nature. And yes, I did just refer to my camera as and object that has feelings. LoL!

Wait And See

I was just sitting here listening to Pandora on my phone and this song came on and the lyrics made me stop what I was doing and really listen. I have heard this song before, but today it was like God was telling me to stop and take in the words. Immediately, I thought of Cullen. Granted, the words are not 100% accurate to his life, but the song had him written in it. It is titled "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath and I posted it below.

Wait and See

Apparently my emotions are all over the place today because this song invoked tears and smiles. Let me explain why I thought of our Cullen Jean.

In the beginning of the song, he mentions how the doctor said after his birth that he was lucky to be alive. Cullen was born premature, but seemed fairly healthy. However, a few days after we brought him home, he had choked on his formula and some of it went into his lungs. We heard a single loud cry and then nothing. He couldn't breathe. We were frantic and instantly called an ambulance. This was the only time that my First Aid and CPR training came in handy. I did what I could until the ambulance got there. Obviously, all turned out well, but it was one of the most frightening moments of our life.

A younger Cullen Jean

Then there is this part of the song:

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here

Trouble till the day that I disappear

That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

Now, don't misunderstand me here. Cullen hasn't always been trouble. He has always been a bit of a handful with a personality that was and is very unique. He is stubborn to a fault and works on his own agenda. It doesn't matter if it's teachers, parents, friends or his brother...Cullen will argue with anyone.

I never really was that good in school

I talked too much, broke the rules

Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

Needless to say, we have had our fair share and then some of phone calls from school. Not because Cullen isn't good at school though. He is very intelligent! I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom either. All of his teachers have said the same thing. He is an honor student, in accelerated classes and does math in his head like a human calculator. His problems in school are a result of his inability to control his mouth and emotions.  Of course, we now know that is due to his Asperger's Syndrome. If only we had known that a long time ago. Starting way back to preschool until present day, our youngest has kept us on our toes. I don't see that changing anytime soon. And I'm okay with that.

Note the Honor Student shirt : )

I believe Cullen has the potential to do a number of great things in his life. When that boy puts his mind to something, there is no stopping him. I'm anxious to see the Cullen of the future, but I'm not in any hurry for that to happen. The years have already flown by too quickly. So, I guess I will just have to "Wait and See".

Week Ten

This was not a great week for our family, but I hope that the photos below give the illusion that it was somewhat normal. Like always, some of these pictures I am proud of. Others...not so much. I am amazed that I have managed to make it this far into the year without giving up on this project all together! Here are the photos from the tenth week of 2012. Feel free to leave comments below.

Day 64: Yes, I was one of those people who stood at the kitchen counter for far too long trying to stand an egg on end. As you can see, I finally did it! Actually, I did it 2 times. The first time, as I was boasting my accomplishment to Hayden, he knocked it over and chuckled. The second time, I showed Cullen thinking that he would appreciate my egg balancing prowess. He also knocked it over. Teenagers are hard to impress.

Day 65: I bought this necklace because it reminded me of my grandmother. She loved owls! I miss her so much. Like a lot of granddaughters, my grandmother was my first best friend!

Day 66: Cullen stood still for approximately 20 seconds so I could snap a picture of him. Sadly, our boys are like me in the fact that they do NOT enjoy having their picture taken.

Day 67: Precious and Cullen nuzzling against one another. He loves getting "head bumps" from that cat. And the quote that I put on this picture couldn't be more true when it comes to Cullen.

Day 68: I blame the poor quality of this photo on the fact that it was taken with my iPhone. Cullen put Lexi in our laundry basket and she could not figure out how to get out. She isn't the smartest dog.

Day 69: Bad day equals bad picture day. But I must say that God does paint a pretty sunset.

Day 70: If I'm not pleased with a picture, I find that placing a good quote or song lyric on it improves it's quality just a bit. These words are from Lee Ann Womack's, "I Hope You Dance". I love this song.

There ya have it! Week 10 has finally been posted. And here I sit...still playing catch-up.