Eyes of a Wallflower

Anyone who really knows me knows that I do not like to be the center of attention. I prefer to blend into the background and keep attention off of myself. My middle name might as well be Wallflower. If I have to stand in front of a group of people, large or small, my anxiety is through the roof! And to speak in front of a group is enough to send me over the edge. I'd rather be lying dead in a casket. I prefer to blend in and observe everyone around me. And as much as I should probably keep this next part to myself, I'm going to get it out in the open. While observing those around me, most of the time I am critiquing, comparing and judging them. I know...I'm awful.

I think I do this in a vain attempt to feel better about myself. I have always been a self-conscious person. As far back as grade school, I remember dwelling on my insecurities. As I get older, I realize that most of my "flaws" weren't ever really flaws at all. Those were traits that made me who I am. That being said...as I get older, I am discovering how quickly legitimate flaws are piling up. Wrinkles, gray hairs, extra pounds and so on. I wasted all of my good years in senseless worry.

Back to the point.

During church this past Sunday, I started writing this blog in my head. I know...that's as awful as me being critical and judgemental. Allow me to explain. My mind kept wandering during the worship music. I don't know if it's because I just wasn't feeling the songs or if it was because people were still shuffling into the room, but I could not focus. And every time someone walked through the doors, my eyes found them and followed them to their seat. Thank goodness people can't feel my stares on them! Then I'd find myself start critiquing the person that I was focused on. Their hair, clothes, the way they were singing...a complete analysis in mere seconds! Then I'd realize what I was doing and would mentally chastise myself. I pictured God looking down on me, shaking His head because He knew what I was doing. In His house no less!!! I knew I had to blog just to get this infraction of mine out there.

Finally it was time to hear the sermon. I thought I'd be good from here on out because I almost always enjoy the teachings. My mind, however, was not willing to listen. Back to wandering.

I partially blame my lack of focus on one of the persons sitting in the row ahead of us. I'm rolling my eyes right now because of how extremely annoyed I was at this person. I admit, as I get older there are more and more little things that just send me over the edge of rational thought. Certain sounds, for instance, make me see red. Snoring, teeth on silverware, crunching/chewing of food are a few examples. Anyway, back to the perpetrator. 

This person obviously missed breakfast that morning because she was feasting upon dry cereal throughout the service. The entire service. **Annoying**. And it wasn't just the fact that I kept seeing her shovel handfuls of dry cereal into her face that drew my attention away from the sermon. It was the constant rustling of the baggie that I was hearing each time her hand clawed for more bits of dried breakfast. **Annoying** Then, on top of that, she kicked off one flip flop, crossed her leg over the other and tapped that foot in the air for far too long. Why did that bother me? Because the bottom of her foot was filthy!!! **Annoying and disgusting**.

The more I let my attention rest on this woman's infractions, the more I could feel my blood start to simmer. So I furrowed my brow and focused more intently on our Pastor's words. Apparently I have some demons that just weren't willing to let me hear what the Pastor was saying because I began to scan the congregation again. A lady was sitting a few rows ahead of us and, me being a female, I started the comparison game. (Please tell me that I'm not the only one who does this). "Is her hair shinier than mine? She has a nice complexion. I wonder where she got that shirt? Why is she wearing jeans? I wonder if my muffin-top looks like that to the person sitting behind me?"

That's when the mini panic set in. "Do I have a muffin-top and can the person behind me see it? If they can see it, are they thinking thoughts like I am thinking about the other lady? If they aren't looking at my muffin-top, can they see my psoriasis? Are they judging me because of my tattoos?" Seriously, am I the only one who thinks like this?!?!

I find myself worrying far too much about what people behind me are thinking. I guess that's because I know how my mind works and if I think that way some times, they must as well. Now, please know that I do not always think like this. I am not a mean, hateful person and I try to accept everyone for who they are. It's crazy how the mind works some times.

It doesn't really seem that there is a point to this blog. I don't suppose there needs to be a point. However, if any of you reading this see me standing behind you in line somewhere, I bet you let me cut in front you. *wink*

Our Michigan Adventure

Since summer break for the kids is almost over, I guess I should do a bit of writing about what our family did during that time. We aren't one of those families that is blessed enough to go on yearly vacations. I wish we were, but that's just not how it is. Heck, we are lucky if we get a vacation every 5 years! Now that I think about it...we've only really had 1 true vacation as a family. That makes me sad. Anyway...Joey had some vacation time and we knew that we wanted to do something with the kids. But what?

We briefly considered going to Holiday World again. Holiday World is a wonderful theme park in Santa Claus, IN. Our family went there in 2008 and had a fantastic time! As much as we love the place though, I knew we were on a limited budget and I also knew that a lot of our time would be spent standing in lines. Pffbbtt!

The boys in Holiday world in 2008. So cute!!!

I'm always up for doing something new. There are so many wonderful places in this world and I want to see as many of them as I can before my time is up. Like I said though, money (like always) was an issue. And let's face it, there aren't a lot of amazingly fun things to do in Indiana. I knew we had to stay fairly close to home though because no one wants to spend the majority of their short vacation in a car.

Then I got to thinking about how I had never seen any of the Great Lakes. Which is a bit ridiculous since one of them touches the state that I have lived in my entire life!!! I knew Joey had been to Michigan before when he was a young boy, so I offered up the idea of going there. He was on board instantly and I was thrilled. Finally, the opportunity to mark another thing off my bucket list! Plus, I'd get to see a lighthouse or two! I have loved the simplistic beauty of lighthouses for years. Knowing that I was finally going to get the chance to view one and snap a photo or two (hundred) had me stoked!

We visited Holland, Grand Haven and Muskegon while we were in Michigan. Each place with their own lighthouse and wonderful beaches! Much to my disappointment, the lighthouse in Grand Haven was being renovated, so it's splendor was unable to be seen. However, that is my only complaint about our visit. The weather was beautiful, the lake was more amazing than I could have imagined and I was with my family. Truly a blessing that I will never forget! Joey and I remarked often how we could see ourselves living in Michigan and becoming beach bums. Ah...the beach! I just can't say enough times how much I love the sun, sand and surf. It feels like the place that I was meant to be. Plopped in the sand as the seagulls fly over and the water laps the shore. Mmm, that's my idea of heaven! Until winter comes and then I'm sure that Michigan would not be my favorite place anymore. I hate the cold.

We may not get to go on a lot of vacations, but when we do...we have fun! I really do hope we can make it back up to Michigan again sometime. There are a lot more lighthouses that I'd like to see and a lot more beaches that I need to lie on. If you have never been to Michigan, I highly recommend it.

Sunset on Lake Michigan

Another tradition that we seem to have started without planning to is how we always go on a mini excursion during our trips. These are usually at the spur of the moment and happen strictly because of our proximity to something we deem worthy of seeing. This time around, our side adventure led us to the University of Notre Dame! When we left Michigan, we drove through South Bend, IN and it would have been incredibly stupid to pass on by without stopping. Joey is a HUGE Notre Dame football fan, so this was really a no-brainer.

Hayden was a party-pooper and stayed in the car while we toured the campus. In hindsight, I should have made him come along. Oh well. Now we have another excuse to go back!

Sadly, we missed the stadium tour by 30 minutes. That was one of those, "Aw man," moments that takes the wind out of your sails. But, we cheered ourselves up with some retail therapy in the Notre Dame bookstore. The one thing I can say about that place is...wow. If you ever need anything Notre Dame, go there. I was excited to find a ND nutcracker to add to Hayden's collection...until I saw the price tag. For a mere $249, he could have had a great souvenir. Needless to say, he didn't get it. However, Joey and I did walk away with reasonably priced t-shirts for each of us.

Notre Dame does have a beautiful campus. I left there with a strong desire to watch the movie Rudy for the hundredth time. We will make it back sometime to see the inside of the stadium. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky and score some tickets to a game. Then Joey could mark that off of his bucket list!

Bottom right: The closest we got to the field...a barred tunnel and a telephoto lens.

Forgiveness

How do you forgive others?

Okay...that's a bit vague I suppose because there is a deeper root to that question. I'm not just talking about the doling out forgiveness to someone just because they bumped into you. I'm not even referring to how you should go about forgiving someone for something as big as backing into your car because they weren't paying attention. I'm talking about the big, MAJOR stuff that can (and sometimes does) change the course of your life's story.

My husband often brings up how I'm the type of person that holds grudges for far too long. He's always telling me not to let things bother me or saying, "Oh well," to things that I am legitimately pissed off about. It's annoying. And it's not annoying because of the frequency of which he does and says these things. It's annoying because I know that he is right and I don't know how to change this flaw in my character. Sometimes I just want to be angry, squint my eyes and think awful thoughts of revenge and justice towards the one that has offended or hurt me. I admit it. There have been some ugly and vengeful thoughts in my mind throughout the years.

Honestly though, if I have put all of my trust into someone and that person shatters that trust and has no remorse about it...how am I not supposed to be angry? And hurt? I think it's the 'hurt' part that makes the anger feel so good, which is why I keep it around for so long. Hurt is a feeling of vulnerability. I don't like it. Any sign of weakness is not okay with me. I'm not one of those gals that enjoys sitting down and sobbing through a chick flick. When did crying become the fun thing to do? Come on ladies...get it together!

I suppose anger is my defense mechanism. If I'm hurt, throw up an anger wall. Problem solved.

Or is it?

Not at all, because now I have a bigger problem. Before you read on, rest assured that it is not my intention to come off as preachy or as some religious nut. But, I do believe in God, trust in Jesus and know that the Bible is a great foundation to build a happy life upon. That being said, I am aware of what the Bible says about forgiveness. Which I guess is another source of my annoyance because I know that my anger and grudges are wrong on a completely different level! The most poignant verse (in my opinion) on forgiveness:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. - Matthew 6:14-15

See my dilemma? If I don't forgive those people on my "sh*t list", I can't expect my Father in Heaven to forgive me. It's just not going to happen. And if He does not forgive me of my sins...guess where I'm spending my eternity?

This brings me back to my original question. How do you forgive others? 

How do you forgive the rapist, the murderer, the child molester, the bigots and racists? How do forgive people that you bent over backwards to help, even when you could barely help yourself, only for them to stab you in the back and walk away? How do you forgive someone who won't forgive you?

I can say that I forgive someone a hundred times, but I have to mean it. And I'm going to be honest. The "meaning it" part has only happened once, maybe twice in my life. If anything, I simply choose to not think about the circumstance(s) in hopes of forgetting about it all together. I hardly ever truly forgive. If I allow myself to think back on the things that hurt me, the anger and hatred comes rushing back. It's like it happens all over again.

It's like the song below says about forgiveness, "It's the hardest thing to give away".

I suppose there really isn't one good answer to my question. This is an issue that is only going to be solved with a sincere understanding within myself. No amount of preaching or advice is going to flip my forgivable switch. Those things might help me along the way, but I know that true change lies withing myself. In my heart and soul.

I'll get there.