Auld Lang Syne

We hear "Auld Lang Syne" every New Year, but how many really know what it means? Basically it is times gone by. This could very well be my theme for 2011 because I found myself living a lot in the past...in the times that have gone by. It is good to cherish memories and look back on them from time to time, but dwelling there too long isn't any way to live. If you spend all of your time looking back, you are sure to miss what is ahead of you. I suppose that is something I need to work on for this new year.

Not yet though. The point of this blog post is to look back at 2011 and share a fraction of the time gone by. As midnight drew near on this day last year, Joey and I sat with my mom as she was lying in her hospice bed. She wasn't able to speak anymore and she spent most of her time sleeping. Even when her eyes were open, we could tell she was someplace else. I'd love to think that she could hear and see us, but I really feel that she was seeing beyond us. Maybe she was sensing and hearing those who passed on before her, calling her to be with them. Maybe the angels were coaxing her towards that all powerful light many say that they are drawn to. Sadly, I will never know.

Joey was actually the last person to carry my mom. The image of my husband carrying my frail mom to that bed is seared into my memory. He didn't do it because he had to, even though he was probably the only one strong enough to do it. He did it because he loved her. When his own mother decided that she was going to step out of his life, my mom stepped in. I am so very blessed to have a husband who had such a great relationship with my mom. He will tell you that she wasn't your typical mother-in-law. They were friends and, most of all, they did love each other.

We sat there on New Year's Eve with the television playing in the background, the countdown beginning, 10...9...8...7...the ball dropping, 6...5...4, and me holding Mom's hand. I couldn't help but think that the countdown was the countdown to a bomb that was soon to be dropped on my life. 3...2...1, people all over celebrated, ringing in the New Year with friends and loved ones. They were sharing that special kiss, cheering, laughing and smiling. Not us. I squeezed my mom's hand, kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her...then I cried. Joey did the same. The whole moment seemed so unfair.

Needless to say, I'm not ringing in 2012 with any big celebration. I'll be having another auld lang syne moment. I know I should get over myself and just move on. I know I'm not the only person who has ever lost their mother. BUT...I am one of the few people who lost my mom. We talked to each other every single day without fail. This year has been devastating for me and for a lot of people who were close to her. Not only was she a one-of-a-kind mom, but she was a wonderful grandmother, a devoted wife and an amazing friend.

To everyone reading this, make sure this year counts. Tell everyone you can that you love them each moment you can. Don't allow yourself the chance to have regrets. We only get one life and we need to make it count. Stop living in the the past because that is not living. Take your days one at a time and try not to worry so much. Read Jeremiah 29:11 and trust that it is true. I know every day won't be amazing or even good, but there is a bigger picture. One of my favorite song lines is, "Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance." So give it a chance. Faith has changed my life and helped me live my life, not merely exist in my life.

Olmsted Christmas

Christmas has finally passed and I think it went pretty well. It was hard not having Mom there, but I felt like she was with us. I even found myself getting excited on Christmas Eve. Not for me, but for the boys. The boys took part in the traditional arm wrestling dad for an early gift. Several years ago, Hayden and Cullen begged us to open one gift on Christmas Eve. Joey told them that they could if they could beat him at arm wrestling. Needless to say, they never could muster up the energy to pull off a win. Could 2011 be the year?

Both of them did get to open 1 gift on Christmas Eve! However, it is only because Joey acted like he lost. Their gifts? Each of them unwrapped a pair of pajama pants that we bought just for Christmas morning. We were going to give the pj's to them early anyway...we just thought we'd toy with them a little and make them think that this was the year that they were victorious. Imagine their faces when we told them about our little scheme. Hahaha! I honestly don't think either of them will beat their dad at arm wrestling any time soon. :)

Joey was the first person awake on Christmas morning. Cullen and I weren't far behind, but Joey actually had to wake Hayden up so they could open presents. It's pretty much the same routine every year. Everyone heads downstairs, I'm usually the last one down because I have to make sure I look halfway presentable. I'm not sure why though since I'm the person who takes the pictures. I didn't take many photos this year and I'm not thrilled with the ones that I did take. Oh well. Some is better than none, right?

Even puppies need love, especially on Christmas!

I thought it was funny how Lexi's eyes showed up red & green in this pic.

Cullen made out pretty well for himself this year.

Hayden asked for Nerf stuff, and he got it.

Overall I'd say that Christmas was good. It had it's difficult moments, but the kids were happy. That's all that truly matters to me. As long as they are happy, I am happy. Between Joey and myself, we also had a wonderful Christmas dinner. Not to mention plenty of leftovers to nom on for a few days. We are blessed.

Christmas Mourning

Here we are, at the eve of Christmas. I honestly can't believe it's here already. I had every intention on blogging yesterday, but I just couldn't find the time. I did get to spend the entire day with my husband and enjoyed it very much! We finished our Christmas shopping, went to a restaurant for some dinner and simply enjoyed our time together. Once we finally arrived home, I went straight to wrapping presents. It was a very good day.

Yesterday did mark the 15th year of my grandpa's passing. I remember standing at his casket and wondering if anyone was able to notice my 'baby bump'. I was pregnant with Hayden at the time and my parents had yet to find out. Needless to say, that was information I was not looking forward to divulging. Especially since I was just 17 years old at the time. So as I stood there in that funeral home, dealing with my first loss of a close family member, I was a jumble of emotions. I was also very aware that as we had just lost a family member, another one would soon be joining us. A bittersweet moment in many ways.

Obviously everything worked out okay. My parents didn't kill me or Joey when they finally learned about our new addition to the family. They weren't pleased with the news at first, but eventually they came around and were looking very forward to the arrival of their grandson. 

My mom loved her grandkids more than I think she could ever love anything else on this planet. Which brings me to the point of this blog and why I titled it as I did. As Christmas morning looms around the corner, it is going to be very hard for all of us to not mourn for the missing staple in our family. Mom made our Christmases blessed and full of love and laughter. Her presence is going to be terribly missed this year. There will be a hole in this Christmas that will never be filled. I thought I was doing pretty well with trying to keep things just as they always have been. That is, until we went to church tonight for the Christmas Eve service.

As the entire congregation stood in a circle, the glow of each of our candles dancing on each of our faces and every voice singing "Silent Night"...I lost it. I couldn't even hold back the tears long enough to sing one single note. Something about that song and the lyrics just makes my heart cave in. It even happened to me last year when Mom was still with us. I suppose that is because I knew that the time to say goodbye to her was near. A lot of the nights are silent. Her voice and laughter is just a memory. 

"Silent Night" has always been one of those songs to stir emotion in me though. What a holy night it was! The birth of our savior. Just try to imagine being there to witness the birth of Christ and hearing the choir of angels. It gives me goosebumps! I know that is more than enough reason to celebrate tomorrow (and every day). I am not by any means dismissing the gift of Jesus to have a pity party for myself. I understand that it is because of that small child lying in the manger that I will be able to see my mom and all the others that have gone on to heaven again. So, once all is silent tonight, I will once again thank God for the gift of His son and for the blessing of having a wonderful mom.

Reflection

It is common during this time of year for people to do some reflecting on the past. The holidays tend to bring this out in people. I can picture families all over, gathered together for Christmas, saying those two words that can spark laughter, tears and maybe even some resentment, "Remember when...". It has been several years since we've had a big family get-together. There are a lot of reasons why and, for the sake of this blog, I won't get into that. No one wants to read a long diatribe about my family's dysfunction. However, as I reflect, I do miss the times that our family would get together and share memories.


Of course, the coming new year is another prime time to take on some personal reflection. We all have regrets and moments that we wish we could change. There are also those priceless moments that we wish we could go back and live again. Looking back over this past year, there are so many memories and thoughts that swirl around in my head. Just trying to slow them down and sort them out gives me a headache. If I look back though and just skim the surface of 2011, I would say that it has been the absolute most horrible year of my life. In some ways, yes...it did suck. But if I dig deeper, I find a lot of moments that were blessings to me and my family.


It is easy to overlook the blessings (big or small) when bad things happen in life. I have a lot to thank God for. We should all awaken each day and thank Him for giving us another day on this earth. In 2011, I found out who my true friends are and who was just there when it was convenient for them. My eyes were opened to new friends who have touched my life in ways that they probably don't even realize. And there were moments in 2011 that I am grateful to have had.


I have some goals for the new year that I hope to accomplish before it ends. I know that most resolutions are tossed aside after a week or two, but it all boils down to desire. How badly do I want to change these things? I guess I will find out. The key is to not give up if I falter. Self-confidence isn't one of my top attributes, but I am very stubborn. Time to put Stubbornness up against Low Self Esteem and see which one prevails!

For A Reason

I'm a big believer that everything does happen for a reason. Even the bad things we have to endure happen for a reason. It's hard to keep that in mind when we are going through trials though. God never promised that our lives would always be joyful. What He did promise was that He would always be there for us. In the midst of turmoil, in our happiest moments...God is there and He has a plan.


This past Monday, Joey and I went to visit my mom. I hate that a visit to her requires us to drive to Brooklyn Cemetery, but knowing that in some way I am close to her is sometimes comforting. This visit was exceptionally hard though. Joey didn't say where we were going as he was driving there, but I knew. Before we even left the highway, I started feeling anxious (and not in a good way). It was kind of how I used to feel before giving an oral speech in high school. I'd get nervous, butterflies in the stomach, shaky and at a loss for words. I think it's because I knew that feelings I normally try to hide were going to bubble to the surface and boil over. I never would have described myself as an emotional person before, but since Mom passed...to say that same thing would be a lie.


As soon as we pulled into the cemetery, the tears broke free. I hate crying. The sting in my eyes, the blotchy color it makes my face, the runny nose and the overall vulnerability of the moment. It's all very uncomfortable to me. I even start to feel squirmy when I see others cry. Anyhow, Joey and I stood before Mom's grave, my grandmother in the plot to my right, and I just cried. Words didn't need to be said. After all, I know we don't visit for Mom as much as we do for us. Mom isn't there, my grandmother isn't there. They are where I hope to be some day. So as I stood there next to my husband, feeling vulnerable with tears turning cold on my cheeks, a bunch of thoughts and memories swirled in my mind. The most prominent being the upcoming Christmas without Mom.


This brings me back to my first thought, everything happens for a reason. Later that same evening I get on Facebook and notice that I have been tagged in a post. This wonderful friend had posted on my page the poem that is at the bottom of this post. I admit, it took me several attempts to finish reading it. It instantly brought tears to my eyes, but I needed to read each and every word because there is truth in them. I knew at that moment that there was a reason my sweet friend posted that on my Facebook wall. I have no doubts that God had a hand in her reading that and thinking about me as she did. He knew I needed to hear those words. From the moment Joey took me to Mom's grave site and I stood there thinking of our Christmas without her, He put the wheels in motion.


If my friend who posted this on my wall is reading this blog post, I want you to know that this poem means more to me than you probably ever thought it would. The timing could not have been more perfect. It is amazing to me to be able to witness God working through people. To know that He truly is always with us and interacting in our lives is an indescribable feeling. Again, to my friend, I thank you a million times for sharing this with me. Even though miles may separate us, God bridged that gap with this simple, yet immeasurable, act of kindness.


Another dear friend posted on my wall the following day. She had heard the song "Dancing With The Angels" by Monk and Neagle earlier that day and said that she thought of me. Another moment of vulnerability ensued, but I smiled through the tears. That beautiful song is one of those that is hard for me to listen to now. After reading that post I couldn't help but to smile thinking of Mom and other loved ones up in heaven among angels.


I thank God for the friends that think of me out of the blue and take the time to let me know it. It always seems to happen when I'm feeling down and in a rut. That just can't be a coincidence.

My First Christmas in Heaven 

by Unknown 

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare 

with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do

For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

Without Her

I created this blog a long time ago. It's been over a year since I created it actually. However, I never took the time to actually "blog". There have been a lot of things on my mind lately and sometimes I just can't shake them. Several of my friends say that blogging about such things helps, so I guess I'll give it a try. Since my mind is full of random things, why not start blogging now?

Obviously, this is the holiday season and a lot of people are filled with mixed emotions at this time. There is joy, anxiety, stress, love, compassion and too many more to list. I find myself experiencing mostly dread this year. I've tried slapping a smile on my face and going on with the usual family traditions, but it has not been easy. But, when you have kids, that's what a good mother is supposed to do. Right? It seems like the right thing to do. You know the saying, "Fake it till you make it".

Here's the issue...this will be our first Christmas without my mom. My wonderful mom, the staple in our family that held everything together. The spark that started most of our traditions. The woman who portrayed the giving spirit better than anyone I have ever known. Gone. Stolen away from us, leaving us to flounder around and try to find a way to cope and go on without her.

Without her. Those two words are painful. Just saying them in my head sounds so cruel. I feel like each time we do anything without her we are being disrespectful. We told mom everything, shared our ups and downs with her. Mom listened...always. This entire year has been filled with firsts without her. Thinking back on each of those moments without her is hard because there is a huge hole in the memories where she should be. I knew it was going to be hard, but there are times when I wonder if it will ever be less painful. Honestly, I doubt it. I was only given one mom and I feel like my time with her was way too short.

Our family managed to make it through Thanksgiving though. Joey and I cooked/baked all the main dishes just as Mom did for years. Of course, no one makes anything just like Mom, but we did our best. Even my dad, who told me that he didn't think he'd feel up to eating a Thanksgiving dinner without Mom, said that it was one of the best meals he's had in a long time. I kept thinking about Thanksgiving of 2010. It was Mom's last Thanksgiving with us and her health had really started to go downhill. The chemo treatments ruined her appetite and she rarely ate. But on that day, she sat at the table with all of us and did her best to eat the dinner Joey and I had made. I know she did it for us, not because she was hungry. I think we all knew then that we weren't going to have her with us for the next Thanksgiving. Denial is a funny thing. We held on hope though and made the best of it.

My only regret is not taking more pictures during those days. On the other hand, I'm kind of glad that I didn't. The few that I do have from Christmas last year are too painful to look at. That's not my mom in those pictures. The woman in those photographs is frail and distant. I can't look at them without crying my eyes out.

I guess I'll close this first post by saying that this year had been the most difficult year of my life. If blogging provides me with an outlet to rid my mind of thoughts that keep me awake, then I'll keep blogging. I won't apologize if a lot of my posts are about how much I miss my mom though. I refuse to live in a world without her, even if she's only alive in my thoughts and memories.