Christmas Mourning

Here we are, at the eve of Christmas. I honestly can't believe it's here already. I had every intention on blogging yesterday, but I just couldn't find the time. I did get to spend the entire day with my husband and enjoyed it very much! We finished our Christmas shopping, went to a restaurant for some dinner and simply enjoyed our time together. Once we finally arrived home, I went straight to wrapping presents. It was a very good day.

Yesterday did mark the 15th year of my grandpa's passing. I remember standing at his casket and wondering if anyone was able to notice my 'baby bump'. I was pregnant with Hayden at the time and my parents had yet to find out. Needless to say, that was information I was not looking forward to divulging. Especially since I was just 17 years old at the time. So as I stood there in that funeral home, dealing with my first loss of a close family member, I was a jumble of emotions. I was also very aware that as we had just lost a family member, another one would soon be joining us. A bittersweet moment in many ways.

Obviously everything worked out okay. My parents didn't kill me or Joey when they finally learned about our new addition to the family. They weren't pleased with the news at first, but eventually they came around and were looking very forward to the arrival of their grandson. 

My mom loved her grandkids more than I think she could ever love anything else on this planet. Which brings me to the point of this blog and why I titled it as I did. As Christmas morning looms around the corner, it is going to be very hard for all of us to not mourn for the missing staple in our family. Mom made our Christmases blessed and full of love and laughter. Her presence is going to be terribly missed this year. There will be a hole in this Christmas that will never be filled. I thought I was doing pretty well with trying to keep things just as they always have been. That is, until we went to church tonight for the Christmas Eve service.

As the entire congregation stood in a circle, the glow of each of our candles dancing on each of our faces and every voice singing "Silent Night"...I lost it. I couldn't even hold back the tears long enough to sing one single note. Something about that song and the lyrics just makes my heart cave in. It even happened to me last year when Mom was still with us. I suppose that is because I knew that the time to say goodbye to her was near. A lot of the nights are silent. Her voice and laughter is just a memory. 

"Silent Night" has always been one of those songs to stir emotion in me though. What a holy night it was! The birth of our savior. Just try to imagine being there to witness the birth of Christ and hearing the choir of angels. It gives me goosebumps! I know that is more than enough reason to celebrate tomorrow (and every day). I am not by any means dismissing the gift of Jesus to have a pity party for myself. I understand that it is because of that small child lying in the manger that I will be able to see my mom and all the others that have gone on to heaven again. So, once all is silent tonight, I will once again thank God for the gift of His son and for the blessing of having a wonderful mom.