I'm Still Here

My lack of attention to my blog is not an indication of a lack of happenings in my life. However, it may be an indication of my reluctance to put those happenings into words. I've never been one to share a lot of aspects of my life with others. Typically, I'm the one who listens to everyone else ramble on about their happiness and woes. When asked about myself, I usually give a simple, "Everything is fine," just so I can get the spotlight off of me.

I don't even have a topic for this blog currently. As of now, the post title box is blank. Since I have no idea where this post is going, it would be foolhardy to give it a title right now.

One would think that I would have a lot to go on about since I haven't had a blog post since April. What the heck has been going on for the past 2 months? For starters, our first-born turned 15 on May 15th. I just can't believe it. I understood that when people said, "Enjoy it. Kids grow up so fast," that they were just being nostalgic, but...dang. Those childhood years really do fly by! I do have some regrets about things regarding those early years. There are things that I wish I had done more and things that I wish I had done less. Overall though, I can honestly say that I am pleased with the job we did and are still doing as parents. We were young, but we had love for our kids. We always will love our kids. And (though they still don't understand this), no matter how old they are, they will always be our kids. In my eyes, they will always be my precious babies.

I'm scanning my mind, trying to think of other happenings that are worthy of blogging about, but none are appealing to me. At least, not enough to write a paragraph about. I must be having and A.D.D. moment. OR...it could be the fact that Cullen (our 14 year old) is hovering around me like a gnat because he wants on the computer. It's really driving me crazy. In all honesty, I believe that I keep typing just to annoy him, causing him wait longer. One good turn deserves another, right? Maybe not always, but that kind of thing aggravates me. No sooner do I start doing something and one of them will inevitably interrupt me. I suppose that is one of the main complaints of moms around the world.

This post just isn't taking off like I had hoped that it would. I am actually thinking about deleting the entire thing and trying again later. Nah...I'll keep trudging along as my son sighs and says things like, "Man, that is a lot of sentences". Get over it, Son.

I do want to take a moment to acknowledge that today is my grandmother's birthday. She passed away from cancer not very long after Cullen was born. Her name was Evelyn, but we called her Grandma Jaws. It's a story I vaguely recall, but I do know that "Jaws" was a nickname that was said in jest before I was even thought of and it stuck. She was my first best friend in this world. Many times we sat together, watching Golden Girls or The Price Is Right. Losing her shook me to the core and made me question a lot about life. It even brought forth a lot of anger that I directed at God. It took me a long time to be able to put my trust and faith in God again.

My Grandma holding Hayden.

My Grandma was just in her 60's when she passed away. My mom had yet to turn 61 when cancer took her from us. It's really scary to think that I may only live another 30 years (or less). I pray that I can at least make it to 80 years of age. That would be quite an accomplishment judging by my family's history. The two women that I looked up to in this world were taken away far too soon. Speaking quite honestly here, I fear death. As a Jesus follower, I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I don't want to leave this world or my family. I'm not ready now and I don't believe that I will be ready in 30 years. That's a topic for an entirely different blog I suppose.

With that, I'll just close by sending birthday blessings up to my Grandma J. and I pray that her and Mom are watching over me.

My second tattoo was a tribute to my grandma. That is her actual signature taken from an old birthday card.