Time to Think

With the arrival of spring and some very lovely weather, I have been taking a lot of walks around our property. I always venture through the woods because it's peaceful and I enjoy taking in all that nature has to offer. Of course, I always have my trusty Canon camera with me. My favorite picture subjects are those of nature.

When I take these walks, I have a lot of time to think. The songs of the birds, the babbling of the creek and the rustling of leaves is the perfect setting for wandering thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been about things that might have been. Those things that I shouldn't dwell on because it's too easy to get down about it all. Luckily, I have been able to tell myself that if those things weren't meant to be, then they would have happened.

One of my those thoughts was about the child Joey and I never had the chance to meet. Was this child a boy or a girl? What would he/she have been like today? Who would this child take after and act like? Did this child meet his/her grandmother once she made it to heaven? A barrage of questions that I will never know the answers to.

Cullen helping his Mamaw plant flowers.

Of course, I always think about Mom. This is the time of year that she loved! Flowers are blooming and mushrooms are popping. My mom was the ultimate mushroom hunter! It frustrates me so much when I hunt for them and come up empty-handed. I find myself saying, "If Mom were here, she would be able to find them." I miss seeing her smile as she showed off her bag full of morel mushrooms.

Taken April 27, 2010 ~ These are mushrooms that Mom found right after doing her first chemo treatment. She wasn't going to let cancer keep her from the things that she loved.

Then the "I wish I had" thoughts start coming. I wish I had saved a lock of Mom's hair once it fell out due to the chemotherapy. I wish I had video of me shaving my mom's hair when she got tired of it falling out everywhere. I wish had more video of Mom...period. I know that it does not do any good to trouble myself with these thoughts. No one can go back and change the things we have or have not done. And honestly, all of those wishes are just for selfish reasons. Even if I had done those things, my life would still be as it is today.

And my life today is pretty darn good! Naturally, I wish my mom were still here with us. I wish I knew the child that should have been our first-born. However that wasn't part of God's plan. I believe it does me good to think about these things (and the many others) when I take my walks. It is all part of the healing process. I spent too many years trying to bury the things that made me feel sadness. That did not do me or my family any good. Facing our sadness helps cleanse the soul. I want to remember all of the aspects of my life that made me who I am today. Even if it involves shedding some tears.

My mom, me, my grandma and my sister.

Joey and Mom. They had a unique, but great relationship!

Taken October 2010 ~ Hayden and his Mamaw

I think everyone can benefit from taking a nice, long walk every now and again. Take time for yourself just to clear your mind. Take the time to enjoy nature and all of the beautiful things that God created! Search all around you and notice the things that normally get overlooked. And take pictures. Take lots of pictures!